Ellis, Justice propose city-county merger when hell freezes over

Mayor-elect Jack Ellis is poised to push back the proposed vote for unification of Macon and Bibb County until at least 2002. At a breakfast meeting Thursday, Ellis said drawing new political boundaries prior to the 2000 Census would be premature. "What's the rush? By waiting we could call it '2001, a Space Oddity' or maybe 'Holy Grail Quest 2002.' "

Ellis opposes any plan using the 1990 census figures. In order for the unification issue to appear on the ballot, the General Assembly must give its permission. If 2000 Census results aren't available until April 2001, the unification plan couldn't be completed until later that year and the General Assembly couldn't act until the 2002 session. Bibb County citizens could vote on the plan, IN THEORY, after that.

Although Ellis said he supports unification in Principle, he does not necessarily support it here in Macon and Bibb County. "Since Principle, Georgia is not in Bibb County, then it's not relevant to our plans. I'm starting to like the sound of 'Mayor Ellis'...so I think we should slow the momentum and reconsider all the possible problems, maybe hire some more consultants," Ellis said.

Larry Justice, Bibb County Commission chairman and a strong proponent of unification, said he was disappointed about the potential delay in a unification vote. "But the more I think about it, I kind of like my job, too, so perhaps we should study this a few more years. Maybe we should shoot for the 2010 census," Justice said.

Also at Thursday's breakfast, Ellis said he wants to create a detailed comprehensive plan for Macon. That plan should include Unionville, south Macon, central Macon, north Macon, west Macon, downtown, uptown and east Macon, he said. "I think it should also include that section down in the boondocks and up over the boondocks. It might take us a while to complete a detailed comprehensive elaborate omnipotent plan for all those areas. Perhaps we should target the 2010 census," Ellis said.

The Misappropriated Press

MACON - Publix Super Markets Inc. has voluntarily removed all ground beef from stores that received it Aug. 23 after U.S. Department of Agriculture inspectors found E. grisamore contamination in beef at a suburban Macon store, officials said Sunday.

Only a few illnesses have been reported, but state Commissioner of Agriculture Tommy Irvin said Publix has been working with inspectors from his office and the U.S. Department of Agriculture to determine lot numbers and distribution points for the ground beef that may be tainted with E.grisamore. "We're not yet sure if this is true gris or not. We're checking for other contaminations, too, this could be gris and more," Irvin said.

ATLANTA - While aggressive anti-smoking campaigns appear to be working in states such as Oregon and California, smoking rates actually rose in states with few controls such as tobacco-producing Kentucky, the federal government said Tuesday.

"Apparently, those Kentucky hicks just don't understand the words 'Don't Smoke You Dumb Morons!' Or perhaps they do but they're being contrary. Or perhaps we have to scare them AND raise their taxes to get them to quit smoking," said CDC spokesman, Slim Cadaver. "We recognize that states and lawyers will experience severe revenue shortfalls once they drive tobacco to extinction, but no pain , no gain, right? We're not worried about Kentucky at this point. We have ways."

"We don't want that kind of pain here in Macon nor in Georgia," said Brown & Williamson spokesman, Ben Hackright. "We're prepared to acknowledge that maybe, in some cases, smoking is not good. We propose to export more tobacco to developing nations where they don't have so many regulators and lawyers. That would save jobs here."

Cadaver was not concerned about jobs but was more focused on the future. "We're learning the best tactics to use and we plan to apply that knowledge on future projects as well. Once we've buried smoking for good, we'll go on the offensive against fatty foods. Nabisco, General Mills, Beef, Pork, well, they better hire some good lawyers and lobbyists. We're already drafting legislation to ban couch-potato behavior. We plan to eliminate all unhealthy behavior in the next two decades. After that, we'll work on eliminating all stupid behavior. After all, we are the Centers for Disease CONTROL. Once we define stupid behavior as a disease, it's our mission to stamp it out," Cadaver said.

SPARTA - (AP) The state of Georgia began using tents at Hancock State Prison to alleviate overcrowding but they made the tents a little too nice. Now prisoners compete to be assigned to the "J unit" where air conditioners keep the temperature in the 70s. Those staying in the Big House swelter with only ventilation fans and temps in the 80s and up. "We're tired of sweating more than these inmates in the tent," said a corrections guard working in the main building who asked not be named. "Maybe I'll rob a liquor store and rest a while in one of those tents."

Numerous inmates now confess that they committed the crimes for which they were incarcerated primarily to escape the relentless heat of Macon in August. "We heard about these nice cool tents here at Hancock and it sounded a lot nicer than sleeping in alleys and sweating," said Nathan Naughty, a prison inmate.

Department of Corrections spokesman Scott Stallings said they're reevaluating the tents in light of their popularity. "We may need to go to pup tents on concrete slabs. Maybe if we assign inmates two to a pup tent, they wouldn't like it so much because those tents would be crowded, especially when we install the required big screen TV, VCR, entertainment center, air conditioner, tile shower and other amenities," Stallings said.

Mayor-elect Jack Ellis made news last week when he revealed in a Kiwanis meeting that his great-grandfather was a white slave-owner. Ellis went on to say that in his view it was "nothing to be ashamed of." Most political analysts in Macon scratched their heads and asked such questions as "Why is he telling us this?" or "So what?" They speculated that Ellis perhaps didn't want to be called the first African-American mayor but instead wanted to be referred to as the first "mixed" mayor. City historian Ben Thairdunthatt said that Ellis is not the first in that category. "We've had a lot of mixed-up mayors in the past, and frankly, in the present, too," Thairdunthatt said.

Further research into Ellis' ancestry revealed facts that could definitely diminish Ellis' standing in the Democratic party. Research revealed that Ellis' great-grandfather was a Republican and possibly "a mean-spirited conservative." Chairman of the Bibb County Democratic party, Anthony "Tony the Tiger" Caldwell said that Ellis should be ashamed that he had Republican relatives. "I'm thunderstruck. We're going to have to re-evaluate Mr. Ellis and his standing in the party in light of this shocking revelation," Caldwell said. Ellis said the facts were not yet proven but declined further comment on the controversy.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins